Melrose Diner

I'm just not fond of anyone, and that's got everything to do with us. I hate the way I get when I can't handle bad news; feels like I've been an asshole for months. Well all I've got left are these handfulls of 'fuck you', and man, that's never enough... I guess I'm just down. I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around. I can't stand the dork that you're hanging with now. I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around. I hate the way that you can't keep your hair straight. I hate the way that you're leaning on me. I hate the way that you point out when girls are staring, because you know that I won't do a thing. I hate the context clues you leave out of your writing, cause I can't find myself here at all. You know that I hate it when you call me wasted, I expect it whenever you call. I guess I'm just down. I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around. I can't stand the dork that you're hanging with now. I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around, now... My friends all say he's a b-rated version of me, he's stuck on video games and weed, they're just trying to help me get to sleep. So, my friends all say you're sitting way too close to me, that I should just get up and leave, it's like I'm weighed down to the seat and... My friends all say he's just a broke-dick version of me, they're just trying to help me get some sleep, I know he's what you need. I guess I'm just down, I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around. I can't stand the dork that you're hanging with now... I guess I'll be honest, I could use you around.

This song hits close to home. Go Wonder Years. I wish I could live my life vicariously through a video game. Or through a character of any kind. I wish I could find a person that I could talk to forever. Literally sit and talk for days into weeks into months into years, until there's literally nothing left to talk about. I want to make enough money that I can live a simple life but not have to weigh out spending options. I'd like to be able to splurge on things like instruments or dinner and not have a thing to worry about. I wish my life were better in general. I wish someone needed me around.

I'm really not as down as this all sounds. I'm happy... ish... There's just something missing. Of course anyone in love, who's been in love, been loved, might not get it right away. But it's interesting looking at how shallow my life is/has been. It's been this long road of ups and downs but with no real depth. Nothing really to latch onto. To never feel as if you're needed around is somewhat weird. I know this is a topic I've touched upon a lot. I don't care. No one but me reads this piece of shit anyway. To prove it, asflkajsdflkjasdfhaglkjasdfaskweiaosdgjasdlkja. Etc. Anyways, to not know what that feels like is interesting. Mostly because, it could very well never happen. And I'd never really know what I'm missing. I can guess based on what I hear from people who are among those with significant others, shared memories, laughs and hugs and intimate moments. But to the guy that's always finished last... To the guy that should have left well enough alone and just been happy to have awesome friends that were girls rather than wanting something else to happen. I mean, that's the dumbest thing. What the fuck else did I expect to come of the few times I've cared about someone, laid the cards on the table, and then got beaten down royally. I mean, in each of the 3 or 4 times, I essentially showed up to a gun fight with a home-made Derringer, all proud of myself. Not realizing I didn't think of things like a trigger, or hammer, or ammunition, and shoved my head into the barrel of a cannon.

There is no magic sometimes. Sometimes, having a friend that you care about a lot, is better than letting them know that you care and losing everything. There are a lot of people that disagree. 'It's sometimes better just to know, derrrr'. Those are the words of someone who has taken a chance and it's at least once worked out in their favor. If you're anything like me where every chance you've ever taken has backfired horribly, (either by taking a chance that someone isn't as bad as they seem, only to find out they're worse than they seem... Or if you take a chance telling someone you like them in hopes they like you back, and they either A) introduce you to their boyfriend, B) introduce you to their girlfriend... or C) ignore you, and instantly find the nearest boy to be their newfound boyfriend...) then you should hopefully learn that sometimes, if something seems to be going too well to be true, it is. Just stop while you're ahead. No matter how obvious it seems that things could be better, you're only kidding yourself. That literally is as good as it gets.

And I think that's what scares me sometimes. What if I have seen what resembles the best my life will be, only to piss it away and now be left with literally nothing. I can barely remember what it's like to have a friggin crush on a girl, let alone any other type of emotion. Seriously, what the hell. I'm glad that my life is good enough that this is the low point of my life. Considering I'm inching closer to a real job, which will hopefully get me out of my folk's house and into the middle of nowhere. At least living alone on a metaphorical desert island will allow me to not be at all surprised at being alone.

I mean, living in a town with people who suck in it is kind of like dying of thirst on a boat in the ocean. You're really thirsty and could take a sip of salty sea-water, but you know it'll only make things worse. At least if you're dying of thirst in a desert, you're like, 'well... duh... there's no water here ever anyway...' When you live in a town or have contact with girls that are either taken or dumb as a post or far too liberal with their sexuality, you tend to almost feel worse than you would living away from people entirely. At least in the middle of nowhere, you kind of expect to be alone.

Well, this was a random rant. I wonder if things will ever end up changing. And what it'll be like when they do change.

Every Note Is Dying, Silence Is Refining Every Thought In His Heart

"Hello darkness, my old friend... I've come to talk with you again..."

The intro is not to be nearly as dark as it seems. Tonight I was able to see a live performance of the first non-Christmas TSO album, 'Beethoven's Last Night' at PPAC. It was, perhaps, the best live show I've seen, since the first time I saw the Christmas show back in 1999. It certainly raised quite a few questions which has prompted me to begin writing in here again.

I say 'begin writing' rather loosely. This very well could be the last time I write for a while. But on to the meat and bones of this post.

The story centers around the fictional last night of one, Ludwig Von Beethoven. Apart from the primary story, which is Beethoven vs. Mephistopheles, there is also the internal struggle that our hero must face. One's faults vs. good deeds... And once again, love prevailing, somehow, overall. This is obviously a fascinating subject for one that's never known love. Well, at least not that kind. That kind of romantic love, and to be loved back.

And in this story, according to O'Neil and the boys and girls, this kind of emotion is frightening to our pal Beethoven as well. He finds himself a gal, great gal, one of the many theorized 'Immortal Beloved' potentials... But once he begins to lose his hearing, he breaks things off with her, entirely, and without explanation. In his mind, he feels she could never love a musician who is losing his hearing. In reality, she cares about him regardless. In fact, she would never stop loving him. And though this is a fictional story, loosely based on fact, it was still a fascinating concept. Can such a love exist? Especially today? Does anything last forever?

We are becoming a people with a short term memory, and a need for immediate satisfaction. A people with short attention span. These factors lead me to believe that sharing such a connection with another human being, for any length of time, is nearing the point of impossible. Or at least, highly improbable. Mostly, throughout the evening, I couldn't help but wonder if such a person will exist in my life time, and what would it be like if and when I find this person.

Although, the alternative seemed interesting as well. It seems very possible that I would be capable of drifting into a form of seclusion in the mountains, with drumming, guitar, and hopefully by that time piano, where I slowly drift into a form of insanity.... Something I might not mind a number of years from now. It seems like it might be fun.

So on that note, I bid you all a good night.

Christmas Eve

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra has more lyrics that sum up my feelings on Christmas Eve than I can possibly post and expect anyone to actually read. Which is funny, because I don't actually think anyone really reads this anyway. But I know TSO, and can only recommend that if anyone does read this, go check out the Trans-Siberian Orchestra if you haven't already.

That said, I don't know what I expect to find each and every Christmas Eve. I guess I keep waiting for that George Bailey epiphany, that TSO-esque endless night of perfection: cold air, snow, that special girl, a modest Christmas tree, conversation and old movies, etc. And while this seems oddly specific and probably demanding far too much, a part of me feels like this is a simple request, something not at all complicated or asking too much. Yet at the same time, each year that goes by feels like that moment of perfection gets farther and farther away. Its not like I'm in despair or am losing faith, but it's more like I'm expecting that to happen less and less. I'm caring less and less about whether or not that actually happens. I feel like it's becoming more and more an unobtainable fantasy, that such a thing could never be. Who knows. At this point, I almost feel so far removed from human relationships on any kind of a romantic level, that it wouldn't surprise me if such a thing just never came into existence.

Though I'm just whining at this point, really. I've got my friends, my family, and my guitar. I've got two of the best bosses in the world, whom I adore. I was with them today, and even just hung out for an hour or so after I was 'off the clock'. It was a good day, a good time there. And for that, I'm grateful. Something's still missing. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. Whether I do or don't, is almost fine with me.

At least I'll have company, here among the ghosts that have failed. Here in the safety of night, this night, Christmas Eve...

Snowy Night and a Cup O' Tea

I've always enjoyed that the Irish will say, 'tay', and not, 'tea'. That's the kind of night it is. The new windows upstairs make the ones in the basement seem even more drafty, somehow. Tonight definitely feels like the room is wrapped in ice. I mean, it is, with the foot of snow still blowing around outside. But the air even inside seems much colder than normal.

It's funny how much different things are now than they were a year ago. Though, it isn't even so much a 'haha' funny as it is a, 'hahahahaha::cough::sonofabitch::cough::hahaha' funny. I've grown tired of venting to my friends about the way things have been lately. Mostly because there are few friends even around to vent to lately. But, that aside, I think it's much better to vent here, into the black pit of cyberspace where no one gives a shit if what you say isn't mixed with a picture of someone doing something stupid/cute/violent or if it isn't in a .gif format. It's comforting to know that there's a 1% chance anyone I know will ever actually see this and/or care.

Now that it's established that I rule at tangents and being incredibly wordy yet saying nothing at all.... What have I been up to lately? Well, the long and short answers are - nothing. Nothing at all. Aside from my cousin, I see my friends, all 3 of them, once or twice a month, if that. I haven't really felt the warmth of another human being in any kind of endearing manner since about June. Mid June. This is what my life has come to. Work. Home. Band practice. Repeat.

I guess the band thing is new. I'm glad the original project I was in for most of the summer failed. The brother and sister duo I'm drumming for now basically rock. Though I joke with my cousin, that because we've yet to have any problem or flaw or complaint of any kind with them, then chances are I'm the weakest link... Which is unnerving, but not really surprising. I should practice more. But, overall these people are great, and there's a good chance we've got something really good going on. Hopefully I can pull my own weight.

Apart from that, I've been working basically part time at a music shop. The only friends I've made since graduating from BSC have been my two bosses. Them and the music teachers there. But mostly them. Which is great and a little bit sad. A little bit sad because they're in their late 30's and basically our friendship extends to the walls of the shop. But they're very nice people, and I've greatly enjoyed working with them, and hopefully things will continue on that path.

Though at the same time, this winter has made me realize how alone I am. I mean, not in the emo, 'no one loves me' kind of way. I have my family, bosses, band. But really, I feel like something significant is missing. Perhaps with each Christmas song telling a tale of being snowed in with the person they love, people acting all friendly and whatnot. While for the most part my phone remains silent, (ironically now that I have unlimited texting, I get very few texts....), there's really never anyone online worth talking to anymore, my facebook is essentially used as a place for myself and one other person to use to say, 'hey, check out this band', and that's all. It's just very interesting going from a college dorm where I only had about 4 or 5 really close friends that I could see all the time, to now being at home and having only 2 of those people even bother with me any more. I mean, one of my so-called 'best friends' from the past couldn't even be bothered to send me a simple text on my birthday. Well, at least I remembered hers, despite facebook not being there to remind me a month in advance that it was coming.... Well, at least a few things are a bit clearer now.

I just want to find that feeling again of what it's like to like someone. To look forward to hearing from someone again. To miss someone. Right now I feel empty, and not really at all in the holiday spirit. Much the way I did in my pre-TSO days. I keep hoping to find something to revive my faith. Until then, I'm just a searcher. A lost soul looking for who knows what. And I don't drink or party, so my odds of finding that any time soon are about the same as hitting the lottery without ever actually buying a ticket.

I should be comforted knowing I have only myself to blame, at least for the lack of going out. Or do I? I mean, honestly, where would I go? With who? For what reason? Meh. Maybe I'll meet someone worth while at the shop one day. Or perhaps once the band starts playing shows, I'll start meeting interesting people. I'd just like for something to change. To feel like I'm on someone's mind, and to have someone actually worth thinking about for once. Rather than being ignored completely by this person, by being at the end of misguided attempt at recovery for that person. I'm beginning to feel like the idea of love is not much different than seeing a ghost or witnessing a UFO. I'm sure such things actually happen to people. It just won't ever happen to me. And if it did, I'm not entirely sure how I'd react, at this point. To be this old, and have something like that just begin, (to borrow lines from TSO).

I'm going to pass out. The past few nights I've actually begun having dreams again for the first time in a long time. And for the most part, they're better than reality. So to that world I hope to return.

As for this world.... To the friends that I have, and to the acquaintances that matter, I'm grateful to you, there are a few. To the 'friends' that can't bother with me, can't remember a birthday, or bother to say shit unless you need or want something, I shall see you in hell. No more will I waste my time on you or your bullshit. I refuse to feel sorry for you for the mess you made. Good luck with the mistakes I know you'll continue to make.

Fading Lights - Genesis

Another time it might have been so different
oh if only we could do it all again
but now it's just another fading memory
out of focus, though the outline still remains

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
remember

Like the story that we wish was never ending
We know sometime we must reach the final page
still we carry on just pretending
that there'll always be one more day to go

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
so remember...

Another chance hello, another goodbye
and so many things we'll never see again
days of life that seemed so unimportant
they seem to matter but to count much later on

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
remember

True Friends Stab You In The Front

I've recently become a big fan of 'the Beltsville Crucible', the title to this entry is the first line of the song. Musically, the song is intriguing, but lyrically, it's fascinating:

true friends stab you in the front
keep you from getting what you want
when one more fix could kill you
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn,

all that's gold does not all shine...
and helping words aren't always kind,
when one more kiss could kill you,
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn.

how to let my guard down
accept the fire has spread among us.
and if you're feeling all right,
you've got to play it again,
you've got to play it again.

I think what's interesting about this song, is that it's hopeful and depressing at the same time. The idea that the truth isn't easy, but it is the right thing to hear/say. 'True friends stab you in the front', as to say, they won't try to cloud your thoughts with what they think you want to hear. To a certain extent, I've let that get the better of me now and again. People say what they think I want to hear, and every once in a while I'm dumb enough to listen. But that's part of the meaning to the song as well. The last section basically lets the listener know that they're going to be wrong. They're going to make the same mistakes over and over again. They'll let their guard down, they'll crash and burn. They'll feel like shit. And soon, they'll do it again.

In a while, I may do it again as well. For now, I've been burying myself in Irish literature. I've become reacquainted with some rather talented living and dead poets and playwrights. It seems interesting to read about their lives, the loves that gave them hope, the rejection that would devastate them. No one is perfect. No one really knows how to deal with life. Some cannot handle happiness, others cannot handle sorrow. Others cannot handle optimism, some can't bear to see the coming storm.

None of us really know anything about life though, do we? Girls that say that they're looking for a 'good guy', always shove them aside. Guys say that they look for a girl with personality, and can't keep their eyes off the 'hot chicks' with zero intelligence. We all lie to ourselves and others to a degree. We don't know what we're looking for. We don't know how to handle it when we find it. And we certainly don't know how to react when we lose it. We never know if we'll find it more than once, if at all ever. It all makes me wish I could be a better writer. Perhaps just jotting down poetry, being dirt poor, but being remembered someday long after my death for a few words scribbled on paper. Several weeks or months spent on a piece that's no longer than a page or two. And what's worse, once it's written, there's a chance that no one will know what the hell it even means, other than me. But, it'd be something to fill that gaping hole in life. The 'Trainwreck' styled void. Where am I really going? Who am I? What am I doing?

I just miss how things were, and I'm not sure how or when they really changed. But they did. No excuse or proposed reason can really deny that there's a dynamic in life at the moment that has altered greatly. I wish I could be like most other folks, and just find something shallow to fill an empty space. Something easily replaceable. Something that I don't need to think about ever.

I think what's worse, is never knowing one way or another. Am I doing the right thing? Am I wasting my time? Should I walk away from this and begin pushing it to the past where it belongs? Would I be a fool to give up, turn tail and run so easily? How much time must pass before any of these things get answered?

I want so badly just to take a glimpse into the future for just a moment. Just long enough to see who's still there. Will it be worth it, either way? Who else will I find? Or how long will it take for things to resolve themselves into a state of simple contentment. I was content once. The problem wasn't in trying to ask for more. The problem came from trying to find security. Just a word to ease my mind, that things might stay as they were. 'Hedging an investment', to use lingo of the god-awful business classes I've suffered through for four years. The only thing more pathetic than wasting so much money on a college major so useless, is the fact that by the end of the year I'll be twenty-three years old. And in that time, I still have yet to find where I belong. Or find a gal willing to just share in some simple moments in life with me. Fires, hiking up mountains, sitting by the ocean, long drives, fancy dinners, cheap dinners, looking at stars, pondering life, exploring and most likely failing at new hobbies, but laughing all the while. Everyone always says that sounds like a good idea. Except I want to actually do these things with someone, only there's never been a someone there long enough to actually do any of it.

I guess all those things are great ideas, if only I wasn't part of the equation? We'll see. Perhaps I just need to wait until I find someone decent, and wait around until they're entirely out of other options and chose hanging out with me to dying alone? Hm, maybe not.... Dying alone does have it's perks... And to be fair, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I just wish I knew what it felt like to be needed. Just once. Not just, replaceable. Not just, some bloke with good ideas and that's all. For now, the only thing that needs me, or misses me, or notices when I'm gone, are my books. For without someone to read them, they might as well not exist. A story that falls on deaf ears or unto blind eyes are stories essentially facing death. At least that's the way I see it. If there's a poem, play, prose, novel, and no one is there to read it, does it exist? Does it have a lesson to be taught? Maybe, but I'll not chance it. This is the one thing I have going for me right now. The only thing that not only won't let me down, but also that I won't let down.

Ha, some things are worth fighting for, I once heard a song one summer say. That's true. But I don't even know what to do. Or if that's really for the best. All I want is a sign, a trail marker to know I'm heading in the right direction. Whether that means walking away, or attempting to stand my ground. Hell if I know what to do. All I ever wanted was something simple. Is a companion so much to ask for? Someone to appreciate and share moments in life with? Is that so impossible for someone like me? I guess I'm too fussy after all. Everyone's always saying, 'you'll find someone. Don't worry. Give it more time, you'll find somebody'. But I don't want 'somebody', or 'someone'. I'd prefer someone that specifically has a good taste in music and movies, someone original and thoughtful. Someone intelligent and unafraid to be themselves. Someone true to themselves and to others. Someone considerate and caring. I guess, that's just asking too much... Too much... Asking too much while I myself am never enough. Go figure. Just let me live a simple life. Let me live, but never alone.

Nothing's wrong... except... nothing's wrong...

You know, I genuinely hate times like these... The times when life feels pretty decent... That's when you know something really freaking shitty is right around the corner. I mean, it's historically happened quite a few times in the past. Granted, I haven't learned my own lesson, and will continue to try to enjoy life being pretty good for a while. But fuck if I don't know in the back of my mind that something's sneaking up disguised as 'life is good'. Bloody hell...