I've always enjoyed that the Irish will say, 'tay', and not, 'tea'. That's the kind of night it is. The new windows upstairs make the ones in the basement seem even more drafty, somehow. Tonight definitely feels like the room is wrapped in ice. I mean, it is, with the foot of snow still blowing around outside. But the air even inside seems much colder than normal.
It's funny how much different things are now than they were a year ago. Though, it isn't even so much a 'haha' funny as it is a, 'hahahahaha::cough::sonofabitch::cough::hahaha' funny. I've grown tired of venting to my friends about the way things have been lately. Mostly because there are few friends even around to vent to lately. But, that aside, I think it's much better to vent here, into the black pit of cyberspace where no one gives a shit if what you say isn't mixed with a picture of someone doing something stupid/cute/violent or if it isn't in a .gif format. It's comforting to know that there's a 1% chance anyone I know will ever actually see this and/or care.
Now that it's established that I rule at tangents and being incredibly wordy yet saying nothing at all.... What have I been up to lately? Well, the long and short answers are - nothing. Nothing at all. Aside from my cousin, I see my friends, all 3 of them, once or twice a month, if that. I haven't really felt the warmth of another human being in any kind of endearing manner since about June. Mid June. This is what my life has come to. Work. Home. Band practice. Repeat.
I guess the band thing is new. I'm glad the original project I was in for most of the summer failed. The brother and sister duo I'm drumming for now basically rock. Though I joke with my cousin, that because we've yet to have any problem or flaw or complaint of any kind with them, then chances are I'm the weakest link... Which is unnerving, but not really surprising. I should practice more. But, overall these people are great, and there's a good chance we've got something really good going on. Hopefully I can pull my own weight.
Apart from that, I've been working basically part time at a music shop. The only friends I've made since graduating from BSC have been my two bosses. Them and the music teachers there. But mostly them. Which is great and a little bit sad. A little bit sad because they're in their late 30's and basically our friendship extends to the walls of the shop. But they're very nice people, and I've greatly enjoyed working with them, and hopefully things will continue on that path.
Though at the same time, this winter has made me realize how alone I am. I mean, not in the emo, 'no one loves me' kind of way. I have my family, bosses, band. But really, I feel like something significant is missing. Perhaps with each Christmas song telling a tale of being snowed in with the person they love, people acting all friendly and whatnot. While for the most part my phone remains silent, (ironically now that I have unlimited texting, I get very few texts....), there's really never anyone online worth talking to anymore, my facebook is essentially used as a place for myself and one other person to use to say, 'hey, check out this band', and that's all. It's just very interesting going from a college dorm where I only had about 4 or 5 really close friends that I could see all the time, to now being at home and having only 2 of those people even bother with me any more. I mean, one of my so-called 'best friends' from the past couldn't even be bothered to send me a simple text on my birthday. Well, at least I remembered hers, despite facebook not being there to remind me a month in advance that it was coming.... Well, at least a few things are a bit clearer now.
I just want to find that feeling again of what it's like to like someone. To look forward to hearing from someone again. To miss someone. Right now I feel empty, and not really at all in the holiday spirit. Much the way I did in my pre-TSO days. I keep hoping to find something to revive my faith. Until then, I'm just a searcher. A lost soul looking for who knows what. And I don't drink or party, so my odds of finding that any time soon are about the same as hitting the lottery without ever actually buying a ticket.
I should be comforted knowing I have only myself to blame, at least for the lack of going out. Or do I? I mean, honestly, where would I go? With who? For what reason? Meh. Maybe I'll meet someone worth while at the shop one day. Or perhaps once the band starts playing shows, I'll start meeting interesting people. I'd just like for something to change. To feel like I'm on someone's mind, and to have someone actually worth thinking about for once. Rather than being ignored completely by this person, by being at the end of misguided attempt at recovery for that person. I'm beginning to feel like the idea of love is not much different than seeing a ghost or witnessing a UFO. I'm sure such things actually happen to people. It just won't ever happen to me. And if it did, I'm not entirely sure how I'd react, at this point. To be this old, and have something like that just begin, (to borrow lines from TSO).
I'm going to pass out. The past few nights I've actually begun having dreams again for the first time in a long time. And for the most part, they're better than reality. So to that world I hope to return.
As for this world.... To the friends that I have, and to the acquaintances that matter, I'm grateful to you, there are a few. To the 'friends' that can't bother with me, can't remember a birthday, or bother to say shit unless you need or want something, I shall see you in hell. No more will I waste my time on you or your bullshit. I refuse to feel sorry for you for the mess you made. Good luck with the mistakes I know you'll continue to make.
