This song hits close to home. Go Wonder Years. I wish I could live my life vicariously through a video game. Or through a character of any kind. I wish I could find a person that I could talk to forever. Literally sit and talk for days into weeks into months into years, until there's literally nothing left to talk about. I want to make enough money that I can live a simple life but not have to weigh out spending options. I'd like to be able to splurge on things like instruments or dinner and not have a thing to worry about. I wish my life were better in general. I wish someone needed me around.
I'm really not as down as this all sounds. I'm happy... ish... There's just something missing. Of course anyone in love, who's been in love, been loved, might not get it right away. But it's interesting looking at how shallow my life is/has been. It's been this long road of ups and downs but with no real depth. Nothing really to latch onto. To never feel as if you're needed around is somewhat weird. I know this is a topic I've touched upon a lot. I don't care. No one but me reads this piece of shit anyway. To prove it, asflkajsdflkjasdfhaglkjasdfaskweiaosdgjasdlkja. Etc. Anyways, to not know what that feels like is interesting. Mostly because, it could very well never happen. And I'd never really know what I'm missing. I can guess based on what I hear from people who are among those with significant others, shared memories, laughs and hugs and intimate moments. But to the guy that's always finished last... To the guy that should have left well enough alone and just been happy to have awesome friends that were girls rather than wanting something else to happen. I mean, that's the dumbest thing. What the fuck else did I expect to come of the few times I've cared about someone, laid the cards on the table, and then got beaten down royally. I mean, in each of the 3 or 4 times, I essentially showed up to a gun fight with a home-made Derringer, all proud of myself. Not realizing I didn't think of things like a trigger, or hammer, or ammunition, and shoved my head into the barrel of a cannon.
There is no magic sometimes. Sometimes, having a friend that you care about a lot, is better than letting them know that you care and losing everything. There are a lot of people that disagree. 'It's sometimes better just to know, derrrr'. Those are the words of someone who has taken a chance and it's at least once worked out in their favor. If you're anything like me where every chance you've ever taken has backfired horribly, (either by taking a chance that someone isn't as bad as they seem, only to find out they're worse than they seem... Or if you take a chance telling someone you like them in hopes they like you back, and they either A) introduce you to their boyfriend, B) introduce you to their girlfriend... or C) ignore you, and instantly find the nearest boy to be their newfound boyfriend...) then you should hopefully learn that sometimes, if something seems to be going too well to be true, it is. Just stop while you're ahead. No matter how obvious it seems that things could be better, you're only kidding yourself. That literally is as good as it gets.
And I think that's what scares me sometimes. What if I have seen what resembles the best my life will be, only to piss it away and now be left with literally nothing. I can barely remember what it's like to have a friggin crush on a girl, let alone any other type of emotion. Seriously, what the hell. I'm glad that my life is good enough that this is the low point of my life. Considering I'm inching closer to a real job, which will hopefully get me out of my folk's house and into the middle of nowhere. At least living alone on a metaphorical desert island will allow me to not be at all surprised at being alone.
I mean, living in a town with people who suck in it is kind of like dying of thirst on a boat in the ocean. You're really thirsty and could take a sip of salty sea-water, but you know it'll only make things worse. At least if you're dying of thirst in a desert, you're like, 'well... duh... there's no water here ever anyway...' When you live in a town or have contact with girls that are either taken or dumb as a post or far too liberal with their sexuality, you tend to almost feel worse than you would living away from people entirely. At least in the middle of nowhere, you kind of expect to be alone.
Well, this was a random rant. I wonder if things will ever end up changing. And what it'll be like when they do change.
