True Friends Stab You In The Front

I've recently become a big fan of 'the Beltsville Crucible', the title to this entry is the first line of the song. Musically, the song is intriguing, but lyrically, it's fascinating:

true friends stab you in the front
keep you from getting what you want
when one more fix could kill you
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn,

all that's gold does not all shine...
and helping words aren't always kind,
when one more kiss could kill you,
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn.

how to let my guard down
accept the fire has spread among us.
and if you're feeling all right,
you've got to play it again,
you've got to play it again.

I think what's interesting about this song, is that it's hopeful and depressing at the same time. The idea that the truth isn't easy, but it is the right thing to hear/say. 'True friends stab you in the front', as to say, they won't try to cloud your thoughts with what they think you want to hear. To a certain extent, I've let that get the better of me now and again. People say what they think I want to hear, and every once in a while I'm dumb enough to listen. But that's part of the meaning to the song as well. The last section basically lets the listener know that they're going to be wrong. They're going to make the same mistakes over and over again. They'll let their guard down, they'll crash and burn. They'll feel like shit. And soon, they'll do it again.

In a while, I may do it again as well. For now, I've been burying myself in Irish literature. I've become reacquainted with some rather talented living and dead poets and playwrights. It seems interesting to read about their lives, the loves that gave them hope, the rejection that would devastate them. No one is perfect. No one really knows how to deal with life. Some cannot handle happiness, others cannot handle sorrow. Others cannot handle optimism, some can't bear to see the coming storm.

None of us really know anything about life though, do we? Girls that say that they're looking for a 'good guy', always shove them aside. Guys say that they look for a girl with personality, and can't keep their eyes off the 'hot chicks' with zero intelligence. We all lie to ourselves and others to a degree. We don't know what we're looking for. We don't know how to handle it when we find it. And we certainly don't know how to react when we lose it. We never know if we'll find it more than once, if at all ever. It all makes me wish I could be a better writer. Perhaps just jotting down poetry, being dirt poor, but being remembered someday long after my death for a few words scribbled on paper. Several weeks or months spent on a piece that's no longer than a page or two. And what's worse, once it's written, there's a chance that no one will know what the hell it even means, other than me. But, it'd be something to fill that gaping hole in life. The 'Trainwreck' styled void. Where am I really going? Who am I? What am I doing?

I just miss how things were, and I'm not sure how or when they really changed. But they did. No excuse or proposed reason can really deny that there's a dynamic in life at the moment that has altered greatly. I wish I could be like most other folks, and just find something shallow to fill an empty space. Something easily replaceable. Something that I don't need to think about ever.

I think what's worse, is never knowing one way or another. Am I doing the right thing? Am I wasting my time? Should I walk away from this and begin pushing it to the past where it belongs? Would I be a fool to give up, turn tail and run so easily? How much time must pass before any of these things get answered?

I want so badly just to take a glimpse into the future for just a moment. Just long enough to see who's still there. Will it be worth it, either way? Who else will I find? Or how long will it take for things to resolve themselves into a state of simple contentment. I was content once. The problem wasn't in trying to ask for more. The problem came from trying to find security. Just a word to ease my mind, that things might stay as they were. 'Hedging an investment', to use lingo of the god-awful business classes I've suffered through for four years. The only thing more pathetic than wasting so much money on a college major so useless, is the fact that by the end of the year I'll be twenty-three years old. And in that time, I still have yet to find where I belong. Or find a gal willing to just share in some simple moments in life with me. Fires, hiking up mountains, sitting by the ocean, long drives, fancy dinners, cheap dinners, looking at stars, pondering life, exploring and most likely failing at new hobbies, but laughing all the while. Everyone always says that sounds like a good idea. Except I want to actually do these things with someone, only there's never been a someone there long enough to actually do any of it.

I guess all those things are great ideas, if only I wasn't part of the equation? We'll see. Perhaps I just need to wait until I find someone decent, and wait around until they're entirely out of other options and chose hanging out with me to dying alone? Hm, maybe not.... Dying alone does have it's perks... And to be fair, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I just wish I knew what it felt like to be needed. Just once. Not just, replaceable. Not just, some bloke with good ideas and that's all. For now, the only thing that needs me, or misses me, or notices when I'm gone, are my books. For without someone to read them, they might as well not exist. A story that falls on deaf ears or unto blind eyes are stories essentially facing death. At least that's the way I see it. If there's a poem, play, prose, novel, and no one is there to read it, does it exist? Does it have a lesson to be taught? Maybe, but I'll not chance it. This is the one thing I have going for me right now. The only thing that not only won't let me down, but also that I won't let down.

Ha, some things are worth fighting for, I once heard a song one summer say. That's true. But I don't even know what to do. Or if that's really for the best. All I want is a sign, a trail marker to know I'm heading in the right direction. Whether that means walking away, or attempting to stand my ground. Hell if I know what to do. All I ever wanted was something simple. Is a companion so much to ask for? Someone to appreciate and share moments in life with? Is that so impossible for someone like me? I guess I'm too fussy after all. Everyone's always saying, 'you'll find someone. Don't worry. Give it more time, you'll find somebody'. But I don't want 'somebody', or 'someone'. I'd prefer someone that specifically has a good taste in music and movies, someone original and thoughtful. Someone intelligent and unafraid to be themselves. Someone true to themselves and to others. Someone considerate and caring. I guess, that's just asking too much... Too much... Asking too much while I myself am never enough. Go figure. Just let me live a simple life. Let me live, but never alone.

Nothing's wrong... except... nothing's wrong...

You know, I genuinely hate times like these... The times when life feels pretty decent... That's when you know something really freaking shitty is right around the corner. I mean, it's historically happened quite a few times in the past. Granted, I haven't learned my own lesson, and will continue to try to enjoy life being pretty good for a while. But fuck if I don't know in the back of my mind that something's sneaking up disguised as 'life is good'. Bloody hell...

Well I'll be damned...

So, yesterday I received news that, despite the school's best efforts to keep me in their system, by the good graces of the Dean of the school of arts and sciences, I'll be graduating on time after all.

What a bloody fiasco that's been. I have a feeling it isn't entirely over yet, but I at least have semi-official word that I'll be ok and out of here right on time.

While I'm pretty sick of the snow, I probably wouldn't mind missing yet another Wednesday of school... The drive home took forever, but there were no major problems. I know that if there are classes tomorrow, I won't make it to my first one on time. And that's fine I guess. Though it'd be just as well to not have to go in at all. I'll be glad to be back on campus regularly soon. Even going back Thursday will only result in me coming back home again on Friday. But surely not waking up at 5 anymore will be good. Though I don't even so much care about that. I'd just like to be able to spend more time with someone who's really been going above and beyond to keep me sane, lately. But that's another story entirely.

For now, I'll enjoy the fact that all I have to worry about now is the work and people before me, and the prospect of needing to find a job for when I leave school soon. But that's not too bad. One step at a time, I reckon. One step at a time.