We don't have the time, here at the top of the world

"We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold
And we've learned what matters most
So we keep our hearts cold"


Oh Thrice... perfect...

I'm beginning to feel like this is part of my problem. Well, that and really lacking a good night's rest. I can't remember the last time I ever woke up feeling even sort of rested. I've been up at no later than 5:30 for the past few days, and yet still unable to force myself to sleep much earlier than 1AM.

A few days this week, for the first time really, I've been rather completely alone. As to say, the folks out of town, not to come back all that soon, and my sister at school, and my few friends an hour or more away. It was an odd feeling. Usually being pegged as the 'loner' type, it was interesting actually being completely alone. I'll admit that it did feel pretty lousy. Maybe I'm not as much of a loner as I hoped I was. Yet at the same time, I can't picture myself really 'with' anyone either. Fuck.

I mean, how the hell do so many people end up in relationships and such? I can't even fathom it. To the point where I'm beginning to believe that the pain of being alone might end up being far better than either letting someone down, or letting someone else let you down. Where the hell do I belong, really?

I now know just how important my Irish lit class was. Even though I was just as alone then, it gave me something else to think about. A bigger picture. Bigger than my own life. A world scale of thought. My own insignificance was rather comforting. Especially in a world where people in general seem rather self centered. Very little genuine compassion towards other people. I mean, if you tell a friend you have a big assignment due, they'll tell you how they're sick. You'll tell them how you stubbed your toe, they'll tell you that they cut their hand. Your car broke down, theirs blew up. You got into a fight, they got stabbed, twice, but not before being shot. You get the point.

But then again, it's amazing how little conversation there would be if people didn't talk about what was wrong. I really try not to ever talk about every ache or pain I have to people. I've told a few people about how awful I feel after this past week. Though I blame the tiredness. Even with this I should just shrug, say I'm fine even if I ain't. For instance, as this blog is essentially a note to myself, I can note here that I actually did get a little banged up at 6:30 today after I fell flat on my back on a solid sheet of ice, axe in hand trying to get rid of said ice before driving up to school. My back hurt like a bastard all day, I hid a slight limp from my hurting ankle (which I'll farther mention the walk back and forth to the ass end of Tower Lot did not help), along with a banged up left hand and arm. Did I tell anyone about all this? Nah, just that it was funny almost getting an axe in my back taking a fall. Short version.

But I have been so worn down, feeling real separated. I almost don't even like being around many people at school just cause I feel bad about bitching about my situation. And I feel bad that I've been in a shit mood for a bit. I just need to rest. I just want to be able to relax for a bit. Maybe sleep. Like really sleep. That'd be nice.

I wish I could figure out my own mind as well. And maybe figure out if I've got a heart or not. There's just no certainty anywhere. Maybe if I had worth. What is my worth? Do I function better 'alone'? Or would I be able to deal with being with someone? Ha, I might not have to worry, as I'm pretty sure someone needs to want to be with you first.

Listening to Thrice now actually, after Tuesday day and night, this morning I wore my rosary as I drove the icy roads to school, and went a little quicker than I probably should have getting home. I somehow felt like if the song were to have a new meaning for me personally, that'd be ok. The entire way to school in the morning, I could tell that even at 20 or 30 mph, I had very little control over my vehicle, really. I was at the mercy of the ice, and of the powers that be. Somehow I made it there and back in once piece. I'm just as glad. But it was still a weird feeling.

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound