It truly is. I woke today, dark and early, and continued with my routine. Though I was feeling better. Today was Friday, after all. And though I missed another memorable Thursday with my friends all at school, I felt good. I felt like I was on auto-pilot and just didn't care anymore. I was glad that this weekend I could catch up on sleep. I was glad that I was getting to the point where I've been away from contact with my friends long enough that I'm starting to feel pretty indifferent about it. Like the feelings of sorrow after a loved one dies that slowly retreat like the tide over time. Even if you wanted to hold on to those feelings of sadness, your body won't really let you. Similarly, I've gone from feeling down and alienated from friends and activities and moments, to simply having no feeling about these facts at all. And I truly think that describes my inability to really show emotion/approach a relationship. Be without long enough, and you simply evolve to live fine that way. It no longer becomes necessary for practical survival. But is that the way things will stay?
I'm not sure what to hope. Especially after overhearing the funniest and most awful phone 'conversation' I've heard in a while. I say, 'conversation', because I'm pretty sure just the person at this end was talking. They didn't so much as pause after at least 15 minutes of walking from a building on one end of campus to the other, and then hung up when they were done.
They mentioned how they think they may have broken up with their boyfriend the night before. She 'thinks', because she was drunk at the time and isn't entirely sure. She was upset with him because they hadn't really spoken much in two weeks, he was upset he never really saw her while she was at school? She, in a fit of drunken rage, screamed all of her problems with him to the poor bastard over the phone until 3am. He returned a feeling of being upset, though still trying to apologize and hold onto her at the same time, over the fact that some guy was over with her, who she had 'been hooking up with all summer'. She ended the conversation when she was upset about having to 'wake up early for her 9:00 class'.
Now, it's a conversation like this that really worries me about human behavior in general. It further proves how one sided people can be, not taking a breath at all in that 'chat', but also how neither boyfriend nor girlfriend ever really thought of the other at any point in time. Did she really expect him to be all too happy about her hooking up with some guy 'all summer' long? Let alone this guy spending more time with her than he was? Though I'm sure the guy has a decent chance of being a real winner himself. Most people would know better than to try to have any kind of argument at 3 am with a drunk anyone. The whole lot of them seem to be a mess, even after that brief exchange. i almost had half a mind to turn around to see the face of stupidity, but I kept myself from doing that, in the off chance that it would turn out to be someone I recognized.
But on the other hand I laugh. Like, Tommy Tiernan's 'laughing at a funeral' laugh. A laugh so great, that you can't tell whether it's laughing or hysterical crying. And I started this laugh in my head as soon as I got back to school. I found myself a nice spot in a lot not far from the dorm. Score. I saw some girl trudging to her car, sighing heavily taking the scraper out of the vehicle, and beginning to clear away at the windows. Someone else breathing heavily, working on the same task on their own vehicle. I would have felt worse, but it was a beautiful sunrise, the day was looking bright, and I had already been awake for 2 fucking hours and on the road driving for one of them. It was still dark and the stars were fuckin out when I was cleaning off my truck. But, that only started the chuckle, because I'm used to my schedule at this point, and while I'm still incredibly tired and sore, it's fine, because people a lot better off are a lot more miserable than I could ever be.
The laughing grew much harder as I finally made my way back to the suite, very quietly placed my things down, and went into my room to get a book. My roommate rolled over and looked at me, said hello, sighed heavily, and said his alarm just went off. I said, 'good timing, haha' (still in bright spirits), he said, 'uhg... I'm so tired still... uhhh... bahh.... someone just shoot me.' At that point, there were probably tears from my internal laughter. -Tears-. I got my book, and walked away. As I was in the bathroom, he moaned and shuffled his way to the shower. I got my things and left. The entire way down the staircase and to my class was the Tiernan funeral laugh...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You're pissed cause you woke up at 7:45!! A-hahahahahahaha, I've been up for 2 and a half hours now ahahahahahaha, I'm in a good mood hahahahahahah, you're moaning and want to be put to death uh hahahahahahaha, you're supposed to be a big tough fuckin construction worker hahahahaha, I seen worms with tougher skin and more back bone hahahahahaha, I didn't complain at all ahahahahahaha, you whine about having a fun gathering with your girlfriend and close friends ahahahahaha, I'm fucking sore from swinging an 8 lb sledgehammer for a few hours yesterday after a full day that started at 5am by falling on my back ahahahaha, I think my arm's a little messed up hahahahahahahahaha and I didn't take no fuckin naps since... sometime last semester? ahahahahaha, you did after you took some pictures hahahahahaha, you like your major uhahahahahaha, I fuckin' hate mine hahahahahahah, mine makes me physically depressed hahahahahahahahaha, I'm still the one who's been alone and without love or relationship for 22 years ahahahahahahahahahahaha, I must be a God-awful person or ugly as sin or both hahahahahahhahaha, I'm never going to complain in his presence again out of spite hahahahahahaha, life's fuckin great, cause I'm still alive... and not bitching hahahahahaha.
And so on and so on and so.
I think I'll try harder to make my ancesorts proud. It's argued by some historians that the Irish suffer better than anyone. Cause they have been through a lot, and they either never talk about it, or make a joke of it. How could one not laugh at all the struggles, depression, mistreatment and death? Hahahaha, here I am pretending my life is 'tough' now. Sure it is, and it's fucking hilarious at that!
Ah... things are gonna be a lot different for me for a while...
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