Christmas Eve

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra has more lyrics that sum up my feelings on Christmas Eve than I can possibly post and expect anyone to actually read. Which is funny, because I don't actually think anyone really reads this anyway. But I know TSO, and can only recommend that if anyone does read this, go check out the Trans-Siberian Orchestra if you haven't already.

That said, I don't know what I expect to find each and every Christmas Eve. I guess I keep waiting for that George Bailey epiphany, that TSO-esque endless night of perfection: cold air, snow, that special girl, a modest Christmas tree, conversation and old movies, etc. And while this seems oddly specific and probably demanding far too much, a part of me feels like this is a simple request, something not at all complicated or asking too much. Yet at the same time, each year that goes by feels like that moment of perfection gets farther and farther away. Its not like I'm in despair or am losing faith, but it's more like I'm expecting that to happen less and less. I'm caring less and less about whether or not that actually happens. I feel like it's becoming more and more an unobtainable fantasy, that such a thing could never be. Who knows. At this point, I almost feel so far removed from human relationships on any kind of a romantic level, that it wouldn't surprise me if such a thing just never came into existence.

Though I'm just whining at this point, really. I've got my friends, my family, and my guitar. I've got two of the best bosses in the world, whom I adore. I was with them today, and even just hung out for an hour or so after I was 'off the clock'. It was a good day, a good time there. And for that, I'm grateful. Something's still missing. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. Whether I do or don't, is almost fine with me.

At least I'll have company, here among the ghosts that have failed. Here in the safety of night, this night, Christmas Eve...

Snowy Night and a Cup O' Tea

I've always enjoyed that the Irish will say, 'tay', and not, 'tea'. That's the kind of night it is. The new windows upstairs make the ones in the basement seem even more drafty, somehow. Tonight definitely feels like the room is wrapped in ice. I mean, it is, with the foot of snow still blowing around outside. But the air even inside seems much colder than normal.

It's funny how much different things are now than they were a year ago. Though, it isn't even so much a 'haha' funny as it is a, 'hahahahaha::cough::sonofabitch::cough::hahaha' funny. I've grown tired of venting to my friends about the way things have been lately. Mostly because there are few friends even around to vent to lately. But, that aside, I think it's much better to vent here, into the black pit of cyberspace where no one gives a shit if what you say isn't mixed with a picture of someone doing something stupid/cute/violent or if it isn't in a .gif format. It's comforting to know that there's a 1% chance anyone I know will ever actually see this and/or care.

Now that it's established that I rule at tangents and being incredibly wordy yet saying nothing at all.... What have I been up to lately? Well, the long and short answers are - nothing. Nothing at all. Aside from my cousin, I see my friends, all 3 of them, once or twice a month, if that. I haven't really felt the warmth of another human being in any kind of endearing manner since about June. Mid June. This is what my life has come to. Work. Home. Band practice. Repeat.

I guess the band thing is new. I'm glad the original project I was in for most of the summer failed. The brother and sister duo I'm drumming for now basically rock. Though I joke with my cousin, that because we've yet to have any problem or flaw or complaint of any kind with them, then chances are I'm the weakest link... Which is unnerving, but not really surprising. I should practice more. But, overall these people are great, and there's a good chance we've got something really good going on. Hopefully I can pull my own weight.

Apart from that, I've been working basically part time at a music shop. The only friends I've made since graduating from BSC have been my two bosses. Them and the music teachers there. But mostly them. Which is great and a little bit sad. A little bit sad because they're in their late 30's and basically our friendship extends to the walls of the shop. But they're very nice people, and I've greatly enjoyed working with them, and hopefully things will continue on that path.

Though at the same time, this winter has made me realize how alone I am. I mean, not in the emo, 'no one loves me' kind of way. I have my family, bosses, band. But really, I feel like something significant is missing. Perhaps with each Christmas song telling a tale of being snowed in with the person they love, people acting all friendly and whatnot. While for the most part my phone remains silent, (ironically now that I have unlimited texting, I get very few texts....), there's really never anyone online worth talking to anymore, my facebook is essentially used as a place for myself and one other person to use to say, 'hey, check out this band', and that's all. It's just very interesting going from a college dorm where I only had about 4 or 5 really close friends that I could see all the time, to now being at home and having only 2 of those people even bother with me any more. I mean, one of my so-called 'best friends' from the past couldn't even be bothered to send me a simple text on my birthday. Well, at least I remembered hers, despite facebook not being there to remind me a month in advance that it was coming.... Well, at least a few things are a bit clearer now.

I just want to find that feeling again of what it's like to like someone. To look forward to hearing from someone again. To miss someone. Right now I feel empty, and not really at all in the holiday spirit. Much the way I did in my pre-TSO days. I keep hoping to find something to revive my faith. Until then, I'm just a searcher. A lost soul looking for who knows what. And I don't drink or party, so my odds of finding that any time soon are about the same as hitting the lottery without ever actually buying a ticket.

I should be comforted knowing I have only myself to blame, at least for the lack of going out. Or do I? I mean, honestly, where would I go? With who? For what reason? Meh. Maybe I'll meet someone worth while at the shop one day. Or perhaps once the band starts playing shows, I'll start meeting interesting people. I'd just like for something to change. To feel like I'm on someone's mind, and to have someone actually worth thinking about for once. Rather than being ignored completely by this person, by being at the end of misguided attempt at recovery for that person. I'm beginning to feel like the idea of love is not much different than seeing a ghost or witnessing a UFO. I'm sure such things actually happen to people. It just won't ever happen to me. And if it did, I'm not entirely sure how I'd react, at this point. To be this old, and have something like that just begin, (to borrow lines from TSO).

I'm going to pass out. The past few nights I've actually begun having dreams again for the first time in a long time. And for the most part, they're better than reality. So to that world I hope to return.

As for this world.... To the friends that I have, and to the acquaintances that matter, I'm grateful to you, there are a few. To the 'friends' that can't bother with me, can't remember a birthday, or bother to say shit unless you need or want something, I shall see you in hell. No more will I waste my time on you or your bullshit. I refuse to feel sorry for you for the mess you made. Good luck with the mistakes I know you'll continue to make.

Fading Lights - Genesis

Another time it might have been so different
oh if only we could do it all again
but now it's just another fading memory
out of focus, though the outline still remains

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
remember

Like the story that we wish was never ending
We know sometime we must reach the final page
still we carry on just pretending
that there'll always be one more day to go

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
so remember...

Another chance hello, another goodbye
and so many things we'll never see again
days of life that seemed so unimportant
they seem to matter but to count much later on

Far away, away, fading distant lights
leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
and you know that these are the days of our lives
remember

True Friends Stab You In The Front

I've recently become a big fan of 'the Beltsville Crucible', the title to this entry is the first line of the song. Musically, the song is intriguing, but lyrically, it's fascinating:

true friends stab you in the front
keep you from getting what you want
when one more fix could kill you
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn,

all that's gold does not all shine...
and helping words aren't always kind,
when one more kiss could kill you,
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn.

how to let my guard down
accept the fire has spread among us.
and if you're feeling all right,
you've got to play it again,
you've got to play it again.

I think what's interesting about this song, is that it's hopeful and depressing at the same time. The idea that the truth isn't easy, but it is the right thing to hear/say. 'True friends stab you in the front', as to say, they won't try to cloud your thoughts with what they think you want to hear. To a certain extent, I've let that get the better of me now and again. People say what they think I want to hear, and every once in a while I'm dumb enough to listen. But that's part of the meaning to the song as well. The last section basically lets the listener know that they're going to be wrong. They're going to make the same mistakes over and over again. They'll let their guard down, they'll crash and burn. They'll feel like shit. And soon, they'll do it again.

In a while, I may do it again as well. For now, I've been burying myself in Irish literature. I've become reacquainted with some rather talented living and dead poets and playwrights. It seems interesting to read about their lives, the loves that gave them hope, the rejection that would devastate them. No one is perfect. No one really knows how to deal with life. Some cannot handle happiness, others cannot handle sorrow. Others cannot handle optimism, some can't bear to see the coming storm.

None of us really know anything about life though, do we? Girls that say that they're looking for a 'good guy', always shove them aside. Guys say that they look for a girl with personality, and can't keep their eyes off the 'hot chicks' with zero intelligence. We all lie to ourselves and others to a degree. We don't know what we're looking for. We don't know how to handle it when we find it. And we certainly don't know how to react when we lose it. We never know if we'll find it more than once, if at all ever. It all makes me wish I could be a better writer. Perhaps just jotting down poetry, being dirt poor, but being remembered someday long after my death for a few words scribbled on paper. Several weeks or months spent on a piece that's no longer than a page or two. And what's worse, once it's written, there's a chance that no one will know what the hell it even means, other than me. But, it'd be something to fill that gaping hole in life. The 'Trainwreck' styled void. Where am I really going? Who am I? What am I doing?

I just miss how things were, and I'm not sure how or when they really changed. But they did. No excuse or proposed reason can really deny that there's a dynamic in life at the moment that has altered greatly. I wish I could be like most other folks, and just find something shallow to fill an empty space. Something easily replaceable. Something that I don't need to think about ever.

I think what's worse, is never knowing one way or another. Am I doing the right thing? Am I wasting my time? Should I walk away from this and begin pushing it to the past where it belongs? Would I be a fool to give up, turn tail and run so easily? How much time must pass before any of these things get answered?

I want so badly just to take a glimpse into the future for just a moment. Just long enough to see who's still there. Will it be worth it, either way? Who else will I find? Or how long will it take for things to resolve themselves into a state of simple contentment. I was content once. The problem wasn't in trying to ask for more. The problem came from trying to find security. Just a word to ease my mind, that things might stay as they were. 'Hedging an investment', to use lingo of the god-awful business classes I've suffered through for four years. The only thing more pathetic than wasting so much money on a college major so useless, is the fact that by the end of the year I'll be twenty-three years old. And in that time, I still have yet to find where I belong. Or find a gal willing to just share in some simple moments in life with me. Fires, hiking up mountains, sitting by the ocean, long drives, fancy dinners, cheap dinners, looking at stars, pondering life, exploring and most likely failing at new hobbies, but laughing all the while. Everyone always says that sounds like a good idea. Except I want to actually do these things with someone, only there's never been a someone there long enough to actually do any of it.

I guess all those things are great ideas, if only I wasn't part of the equation? We'll see. Perhaps I just need to wait until I find someone decent, and wait around until they're entirely out of other options and chose hanging out with me to dying alone? Hm, maybe not.... Dying alone does have it's perks... And to be fair, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I just wish I knew what it felt like to be needed. Just once. Not just, replaceable. Not just, some bloke with good ideas and that's all. For now, the only thing that needs me, or misses me, or notices when I'm gone, are my books. For without someone to read them, they might as well not exist. A story that falls on deaf ears or unto blind eyes are stories essentially facing death. At least that's the way I see it. If there's a poem, play, prose, novel, and no one is there to read it, does it exist? Does it have a lesson to be taught? Maybe, but I'll not chance it. This is the one thing I have going for me right now. The only thing that not only won't let me down, but also that I won't let down.

Ha, some things are worth fighting for, I once heard a song one summer say. That's true. But I don't even know what to do. Or if that's really for the best. All I want is a sign, a trail marker to know I'm heading in the right direction. Whether that means walking away, or attempting to stand my ground. Hell if I know what to do. All I ever wanted was something simple. Is a companion so much to ask for? Someone to appreciate and share moments in life with? Is that so impossible for someone like me? I guess I'm too fussy after all. Everyone's always saying, 'you'll find someone. Don't worry. Give it more time, you'll find somebody'. But I don't want 'somebody', or 'someone'. I'd prefer someone that specifically has a good taste in music and movies, someone original and thoughtful. Someone intelligent and unafraid to be themselves. Someone true to themselves and to others. Someone considerate and caring. I guess, that's just asking too much... Too much... Asking too much while I myself am never enough. Go figure. Just let me live a simple life. Let me live, but never alone.

Nothing's wrong... except... nothing's wrong...

You know, I genuinely hate times like these... The times when life feels pretty decent... That's when you know something really freaking shitty is right around the corner. I mean, it's historically happened quite a few times in the past. Granted, I haven't learned my own lesson, and will continue to try to enjoy life being pretty good for a while. But fuck if I don't know in the back of my mind that something's sneaking up disguised as 'life is good'. Bloody hell...

Well I'll be damned...

So, yesterday I received news that, despite the school's best efforts to keep me in their system, by the good graces of the Dean of the school of arts and sciences, I'll be graduating on time after all.

What a bloody fiasco that's been. I have a feeling it isn't entirely over yet, but I at least have semi-official word that I'll be ok and out of here right on time.

While I'm pretty sick of the snow, I probably wouldn't mind missing yet another Wednesday of school... The drive home took forever, but there were no major problems. I know that if there are classes tomorrow, I won't make it to my first one on time. And that's fine I guess. Though it'd be just as well to not have to go in at all. I'll be glad to be back on campus regularly soon. Even going back Thursday will only result in me coming back home again on Friday. But surely not waking up at 5 anymore will be good. Though I don't even so much care about that. I'd just like to be able to spend more time with someone who's really been going above and beyond to keep me sane, lately. But that's another story entirely.

For now, I'll enjoy the fact that all I have to worry about now is the work and people before me, and the prospect of needing to find a job for when I leave school soon. But that's not too bad. One step at a time, I reckon. One step at a time.

Laughter is the best medicine

It truly is. I woke today, dark and early, and continued with my routine. Though I was feeling better. Today was Friday, after all. And though I missed another memorable Thursday with my friends all at school, I felt good. I felt like I was on auto-pilot and just didn't care anymore. I was glad that this weekend I could catch up on sleep. I was glad that I was getting to the point where I've been away from contact with my friends long enough that I'm starting to feel pretty indifferent about it. Like the feelings of sorrow after a loved one dies that slowly retreat like the tide over time. Even if you wanted to hold on to those feelings of sadness, your body won't really let you. Similarly, I've gone from feeling down and alienated from friends and activities and moments, to simply having no feeling about these facts at all. And I truly think that describes my inability to really show emotion/approach a relationship. Be without long enough, and you simply evolve to live fine that way. It no longer becomes necessary for practical survival. But is that the way things will stay?

I'm not sure what to hope. Especially after overhearing the funniest and most awful phone 'conversation' I've heard in a while. I say, 'conversation', because I'm pretty sure just the person at this end was talking. They didn't so much as pause after at least 15 minutes of walking from a building on one end of campus to the other, and then hung up when they were done.

They mentioned how they think they may have broken up with their boyfriend the night before. She 'thinks', because she was drunk at the time and isn't entirely sure. She was upset with him because they hadn't really spoken much in two weeks, he was upset he never really saw her while she was at school? She, in a fit of drunken rage, screamed all of her problems with him to the poor bastard over the phone until 3am. He returned a feeling of being upset, though still trying to apologize and hold onto her at the same time, over the fact that some guy was over with her, who she had 'been hooking up with all summer'. She ended the conversation when she was upset about having to 'wake up early for her 9:00 class'.

Now, it's a conversation like this that really worries me about human behavior in general. It further proves how one sided people can be, not taking a breath at all in that 'chat', but also how neither boyfriend nor girlfriend ever really thought of the other at any point in time. Did she really expect him to be all too happy about her hooking up with some guy 'all summer' long? Let alone this guy spending more time with her than he was? Though I'm sure the guy has a decent chance of being a real winner himself. Most people would know better than to try to have any kind of argument at 3 am with a drunk anyone. The whole lot of them seem to be a mess, even after that brief exchange. i almost had half a mind to turn around to see the face of stupidity, but I kept myself from doing that, in the off chance that it would turn out to be someone I recognized.

But on the other hand I laugh. Like, Tommy Tiernan's 'laughing at a funeral' laugh. A laugh so great, that you can't tell whether it's laughing or hysterical crying. And I started this laugh in my head as soon as I got back to school. I found myself a nice spot in a lot not far from the dorm. Score. I saw some girl trudging to her car, sighing heavily taking the scraper out of the vehicle, and beginning to clear away at the windows. Someone else breathing heavily, working on the same task on their own vehicle. I would have felt worse, but it was a beautiful sunrise, the day was looking bright, and I had already been awake for 2 fucking hours and on the road driving for one of them. It was still dark and the stars were fuckin out when I was cleaning off my truck. But, that only started the chuckle, because I'm used to my schedule at this point, and while I'm still incredibly tired and sore, it's fine, because people a lot better off are a lot more miserable than I could ever be.

The laughing grew much harder as I finally made my way back to the suite, very quietly placed my things down, and went into my room to get a book. My roommate rolled over and looked at me, said hello, sighed heavily, and said his alarm just went off. I said, 'good timing, haha' (still in bright spirits), he said, 'uhg... I'm so tired still... uhhh... bahh.... someone just shoot me.' At that point, there were probably tears from my internal laughter. -Tears-. I got my book, and walked away. As I was in the bathroom, he moaned and shuffled his way to the shower. I got my things and left. The entire way down the staircase and to my class was the Tiernan funeral laugh...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You're pissed cause you woke up at 7:45!! A-hahahahahahaha, I've been up for 2 and a half hours now ahahahahahaha, I'm in a good mood hahahahahahah, you're moaning and want to be put to death uh hahahahahahaha, you're supposed to be a big tough fuckin construction worker hahahahaha, I seen worms with tougher skin and more back bone hahahahahaha, I didn't complain at all ahahahahahaha, you whine about having a fun gathering with your girlfriend and close friends ahahahahaha, I'm fucking sore from swinging an 8 lb sledgehammer for a few hours yesterday after a full day that started at 5am by falling on my back ahahahaha, I think my arm's a little messed up hahahahahahahahaha and I didn't take no fuckin naps since... sometime last semester? ahahahahaha, you did after you took some pictures hahahahahaha, you like your major uhahahahahaha, I fuckin' hate mine hahahahahahah, mine makes me physically depressed hahahahahahahahaha, I'm still the one who's been alone and without love or relationship for 22 years ahahahahahahahahahahaha, I must be a God-awful person or ugly as sin or both hahahahahahhahaha, I'm never going to complain in his presence again out of spite hahahahahahaha, life's fuckin great, cause I'm still alive... and not bitching hahahahahaha.

And so on and so on and so.

I think I'll try harder to make my ancesorts proud. It's argued by some historians that the Irish suffer better than anyone. Cause they have been through a lot, and they either never talk about it, or make a joke of it. How could one not laugh at all the struggles, depression, mistreatment and death? Hahahaha, here I am pretending my life is 'tough' now. Sure it is, and it's fucking hilarious at that!

Ah... things are gonna be a lot different for me for a while...

We don't have the time, here at the top of the world

"We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold
And we've learned what matters most
So we keep our hearts cold"


Oh Thrice... perfect...

I'm beginning to feel like this is part of my problem. Well, that and really lacking a good night's rest. I can't remember the last time I ever woke up feeling even sort of rested. I've been up at no later than 5:30 for the past few days, and yet still unable to force myself to sleep much earlier than 1AM.

A few days this week, for the first time really, I've been rather completely alone. As to say, the folks out of town, not to come back all that soon, and my sister at school, and my few friends an hour or more away. It was an odd feeling. Usually being pegged as the 'loner' type, it was interesting actually being completely alone. I'll admit that it did feel pretty lousy. Maybe I'm not as much of a loner as I hoped I was. Yet at the same time, I can't picture myself really 'with' anyone either. Fuck.

I mean, how the hell do so many people end up in relationships and such? I can't even fathom it. To the point where I'm beginning to believe that the pain of being alone might end up being far better than either letting someone down, or letting someone else let you down. Where the hell do I belong, really?

I now know just how important my Irish lit class was. Even though I was just as alone then, it gave me something else to think about. A bigger picture. Bigger than my own life. A world scale of thought. My own insignificance was rather comforting. Especially in a world where people in general seem rather self centered. Very little genuine compassion towards other people. I mean, if you tell a friend you have a big assignment due, they'll tell you how they're sick. You'll tell them how you stubbed your toe, they'll tell you that they cut their hand. Your car broke down, theirs blew up. You got into a fight, they got stabbed, twice, but not before being shot. You get the point.

But then again, it's amazing how little conversation there would be if people didn't talk about what was wrong. I really try not to ever talk about every ache or pain I have to people. I've told a few people about how awful I feel after this past week. Though I blame the tiredness. Even with this I should just shrug, say I'm fine even if I ain't. For instance, as this blog is essentially a note to myself, I can note here that I actually did get a little banged up at 6:30 today after I fell flat on my back on a solid sheet of ice, axe in hand trying to get rid of said ice before driving up to school. My back hurt like a bastard all day, I hid a slight limp from my hurting ankle (which I'll farther mention the walk back and forth to the ass end of Tower Lot did not help), along with a banged up left hand and arm. Did I tell anyone about all this? Nah, just that it was funny almost getting an axe in my back taking a fall. Short version.

But I have been so worn down, feeling real separated. I almost don't even like being around many people at school just cause I feel bad about bitching about my situation. And I feel bad that I've been in a shit mood for a bit. I just need to rest. I just want to be able to relax for a bit. Maybe sleep. Like really sleep. That'd be nice.

I wish I could figure out my own mind as well. And maybe figure out if I've got a heart or not. There's just no certainty anywhere. Maybe if I had worth. What is my worth? Do I function better 'alone'? Or would I be able to deal with being with someone? Ha, I might not have to worry, as I'm pretty sure someone needs to want to be with you first.

Listening to Thrice now actually, after Tuesday day and night, this morning I wore my rosary as I drove the icy roads to school, and went a little quicker than I probably should have getting home. I somehow felt like if the song were to have a new meaning for me personally, that'd be ok. The entire way to school in the morning, I could tell that even at 20 or 30 mph, I had very little control over my vehicle, really. I was at the mercy of the ice, and of the powers that be. Somehow I made it there and back in once piece. I'm just as glad. But it was still a weird feeling.

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

Cannot stand to be one of many, I'm not what they are...

Well, another day gone by. Today for the first time really observing some of the people that passed by between classes and such. That and seeing the many millions of couples out there, coupled with knowing that even 'goodmonson' is no longer single, coupled with a rather annoying call from my mother about nonsense at home, I've come to a few realizations about emotions and relationships, all of which leave me simply astounded.

First, it's amazing to see the first kind of couple, which is really the kind of people that are sort of together out of necessity. There doesn't seem to be any sort of connection mentally, physically, emotionally, or of any other sort, but hey, it's better than being alone in their eyes? These folks are the best, as as soon as their away from their insignificant other, the shit talking ensues on both sides about how much each detests the other. It makes me wonder why this even really qualifies as a relationship, and I suppose in many ways, it doesn't. I've seen people have a closer relationship with rocks, and really, those people are happier with the rock than these dead-beats are with each other. But, its a way of conforming, doing what's expected of them, and not being 'alone'. And it's perhaps the fear of not finding anyone else at all that keeps them there. These people are just sort of amusing, as they most of the time have nothing to offer the world on their own anyway. A self fulfilling damnation, if you ask me. But it's enough to get a chuckle out of me when I happen across them.

Next is sometimes just as bad, the over the fucking top, attached at the hip (hip if we're lucky...) couples. These people remind me of Alzheimer's patients. Because clearly these are the people that can have just sucked face 20 seconds ago, and can think to themselves, 'you know, I don't think I've expressed my physical affection for this person in a while, I should remind them that I care by planting my face onto theirs and never ever letting go of their hand.... ever....' This is just amusing because it gets physically sickening after about a day. At that point, it's crossed over into land of fake. Not to say that occasional affection or little things and signs aren't 'romantic' or 'adorable', but there's a line before it becomes smothering and borderline pathetic. These folks would make me chuckle more, if I wasn't afraid that the sudden movement would expel the last thing I had to eat on the ground before me. I'd write more... but I forgot what I was talking about.... or did I? The hell is this?

Right, the next is of course the trophy relationship. The guy that's scored the hott chick, (with not a single synapse firing in that pretty little head of hers, or at least that's how she'll carry herself) or the girl that struts around with the football dude-bro. These people are amusing because they represent the general trend that exists in America today.

I'd actually say more, but I lost my train of thought after nearly dying a few times. By that I mean, going for a 6 mile walk around town after dinner. Roads get smaller with snow drifts on either side, and no plowed sidewalks. It was a good end to a fantastic day. Though if only that were the end...

Anyways, where the hell was I?

Ah yes, the various dysfunctional members of society.

Are there any 'normal' couples out there? I feel that the answer is yes. While there are many that are miserable, mismatched, or otherwise heartless, I'm sure that there are many that are perfectly content with each other. In fact, I know some of these people personally. And I'm truly glad for them, really. But that does leave me in a fairly precarious situation. A sort of purgatory in terms of emotions, really.

I figure anyone brain damaged or socially awkward enough to find anything worth while in someone like me, isn't necessarily someone I'd really have much to talk about with or much in common with. And anyone I could really care for in that way would be far better off with someone (or anyone) other than me. Which obviously presents an odd situation of being stuck between an inability to care, and the inability to be cared for.

Though, to be fair, I'm a believer in things happening for a reason. I think being 'alone' this long would surely make me unbearable in any kind of emotional situation anyway. It'd be torture on any poor soul that thought me worth being with. I don't think I could really do that to anyone.

So rather than settle, or ask someone else to do so, I guess I'll just stay where I am. But it's interesting to ponder, socially speaking, and I suppose sociologically speaking. It at least makes me an interesting observer from here on top of the fence of the 'up shit creek' crew.

Any and all of you reading this... just promise to aim to be one of those 'good' normal, respectable, admirable couples. And not one of the ones that would make the rest of society vomit...

The Hell??

Alright, so I've got a few things on my mind just before I hit the hay. Which I said I'd do about an hour ago, but there's a few things I've got on my mind.

One of those things being my hate, in some ways, for facebook. The 'status' thing, is probably the worst fucking idea for something to look at online that anyone wanting any kind of 'internet identity' could have. I think that we, as a people, need to stop being so nosy and so bloody conceited at the same time. It's an endless fucking cycle of people wanting to know 'what's on their friends minds sort of' along with 'I want to passively whine and moan about life'. Why can't more people at least be clever with that sort of thing? Or at least make it somethig funny? You think I want to find out that a family member got maimed in a car accident via facebook status? Or do you think I'll ask 'what's wrong' when it says, 'Freddie is really really sad right now...'. I certainly have no pitty at all for anyone who's status has something to do with being tired, or hungry, or lonely, or wallowing in their own shit, or wishing for the apocalypse, or needing to take out the trash. It's all useless and only further shows that we as a people are starting to make more of a joke out of our lives the more we try to be serious.

But even that was spurred on by being slightly angered by the fact that 80% of my 'friends', (give or take) are apparently band-wagon fans of America. Now, I'm as glad as the next bloke that President Obama got sworn into office today. I was even relieved when he won the election by a landslide. But to see so many, 'so and so is now glad to be American' or 'I'm finally not ashamed to be an American', actually bothered me quite a bit. Do people not realize that you can be proud of where you're from without having to kiss your leader's ass? I mean, isn't that one of the things that makes this country better than a lot of other places? That I can: think that Bush made some of the worst decisions a human being could ever go out of their way to make, that I've seen rocks with more common sense than him, and that the only reason I'll miss his presence in the media is because Fox and CNN will no longer be sketch comedy stations - is incredibly fortunate. Because I can type all that here, to anyone that cares to read it, even Georgy-boy himself, and not get thrown into prison. But that's why I've always loved this land. I cannot, by myself, go back and get rid of our shady past of kicking a people off their land, or slavery, or stop our shitty politicians from getting into office and making this country get bent over backwards. But I also will not stand by and say, 'I hate having country where you don't need paperwork to go from state to state. Fast food is shit. I hate being able to live in a place that has any combination of seasons I want. The hell with having every style of climate on Earth all in one country. We suck.' So to all of the people that just now are not afraid to say, 'yes, I know where I was born and where I am from', I say, fuck off. People of your mindset are the same reasons why Bush got the chance to doom us to repeat the events of Vietnam now with the Iraq bullshit. Because you pick and choose when to give a shit, and you selectively have patriotism to where you're from. The problem with the fanatics and the racists and the religious bigots is that, they're all not ashamed to know exactly what they are.

My friend Yeats was right, - The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.

I don't care that you love America now that we have a good leader, God willing. Where the fuck were you when you let people think we were all loud mouthed, uneducated hicks?? Where were you to stand up and say this nation was founded on some sound beliefs, though times and some ideals were different then. That you at least were going to do what you could to make this land great? When we have a shitty leader you join the other evils of the world, being the first to cast stones on how much we suck, rather than to do a damn thing to prove people wrong, that just maybe some Americans are polite, well read, educated, creative, and respectable? It just bothers me. It'd be one thing if you now only like a band because they made it on MTV, or you only like a local team because now they're winning. But this is where you were born, people. This is your life. The reason we're still in Iraq and fighting a pointless fight is because of people that tuned out during history class. If we all only paid attention when we didn't have to worry, that things were good, and it didn't take courage to say where you were from, then we'd be in a land of chaos right now. There'd be no great men to stand up and improve from past mistakes. Why do you think no one learned from our past errors of Korea, Vietnam, or corrupt leaders? Oh right, that would take too much effort, and we might have to look at the fact that we are not a perfect nation.

In that sense, those people are a lot like Bush. Unable to simply admit when they were wrong, and at the very least take responsibility for their errors. No one is perfect, but don't try to hide when the mud gets thick, when the going gets rough, and don't pawn off responsibility when things aren't great. 'Oh I don't like Bush's policies, but instead of doing -anything- (even just having an intelligent conversation with friends) to change that, I'm going to deny my heritage until we look good again'. Great idea. I'm sure the veterans of World War II would be glad that you would back them up, so long as we were in an socially acceptable spotlight. Just as I'm sure the troops would appreciate now, the fact that apparently a country with no citizens is asking them to leave their families and risk their lives. It's not enough that they're in a fight with no cause, but now they're in a land that has selective reality as well.

I just hope people can learn to have a little back bone. Know the difference between being proud of who you are and where you're from, and agreeing with another person. Even our leaders are just people. But it's us 'citizens' that put them there, that give them this power. If you hate your land enough to deny your connection to it, you might think you'd be upset enough to do something a little more constructive.


Which also leads me to the people who just love to complain. I'm not talking that you should always be content forever, or shouldn't announce when you're uncomfortable. But please please please, do something for me, at least minimize the amount of complaining you do about either A- things you have no control over, or B - things you have complete control over.

Example: "I could eat lunch right now, but I'm waiting for a friend to contact me. But I'm sooooo hungry. I could eat now, or even have a snack. No, I shouldn't ruin my lunch... But I'm sooooo hungry."

I have many problems with this. First, you're not starving. People can go a pretty long time without food. Does it suck, sure, ask people who actually have starved. But waiting a few minutes, voluntarily, or skipping a meal, does not qualify one as 'starving', nor should a big deal be made about it. Maybe one comment could be made, that you hope to eat soon. But don't blame your friend for said 'starvation' when you have every means of resolving that issue like an adult, and continue to whine over and over until finally, like a small child, you are fed.

Example B (as to say, something out of one's control) - 'It's so hot out... Why is it so hot out? I'm sweating and not even moving it's so hot out. This is terrible, just how hot it is outside right now.' -- the same as true for other weather elements, such as cold, wind, snow, rain, and other 'non-end-of-the-world-severe-storm-like' conditions. If you really hate the climate of your current region so much, please make an active effort to leave to a place where you will always enjoy the weather outside. We're people, we should spend more time out doors. Doing anything, just being in fresh air for a while. So, either be somewhere where you enjoy the fresh air. And if that's not possible, please stop bitching about it more than once or twice for no reason.

I mean, if you have to absolutely drive somewhere, and the snow is threatening to make the journey dangerous, then you can say, 'fucking snow... this is dangering my life'. If you're inside a nice warm building, with other human beings around, and food and running water, don't yell at the snow if you're in a place where it does that. It's snowing again right now as I write this here. It's snowed a lot so far this year. But I'm not going to yell at it. Am I looking forward to spring? Absolutely. Am I kind of tired of snow? Yeah, a little bit. But unlike people, it can't hear me, nor does it have an opinion of whether it's welcomed or not. So, look on the bright side. Go for a walk and witness how peaceful and nice and clean trees and houses and towns can look in it. Enjoy the fact that you're not living out in it (you don't sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, fight a war in, die in, get shot in, or suffer - in snow.) But don't yell at snow or cry over how unfair snow is if you're not 'living' out in it, or really truly suffering because of it. There are many people that have suffered through it. If you don't believe me, watch the German film, 'Stalingrad', it might change your mind about what it means to be cold and 'sick of snow'. Especially living in an area where snow is so random, and won't last more than 2 months out of the year, maybe 3.

If you really hate the heat, stay cool in AC whenever possible, and suck it up when you have to move along without it. If you're cold, you especially have the power here to bundle up and stay warm. It's ok to say, 'I'm cold' if you're also shivering. You should hopefully bundle up better in the future, as long as you don't continuously moan and complain about being cold until you are eventually warmed up. (And, no, Genni, though I poke fun at you when you're cold, this isn't at all aimed at you. I know you wouldn't think that, but this also doubles as more so poking fun at you being cold... and also sometimes yelling at the snow... But I understand you have special issues and we'll all try to look past that.... ;P )

But no no, this is to the people that just love to have pissing contests to see 'who's got it worse'. Well, I don't play in those games, and I'd also be very glad if less people played as well. We all have problems or discomforts, and we can even do our best to fix the issues, and vent properly to friends, or as I'm doing in print, to keep from exploding from discomfort. But this whole, 'whaahh, feel bad for me' thing isn't cutting it.

That said, I promise in the future this thing will actually become funny, in that sarcastic, dry humor kind of way. These things weren't so much funny, as a prelude to how dangerous and sometimes annoying it is when people take things too seriously. As Tiernan occasionally mutters, 'sometimes the key to life is to just be able to fuckin laugh at the mess this is' - or at least something to that effect.

At least by now I've learned that there's a big difference between 'being mature' and 'growing up', as cliche as that even friggin sounds. But it's very true I think.

Welcome to the North...

First of all, I suppose this should be a warning - the inspiration for this blog are as follows:
- the comedy stylings of Tommy Tiernan
- a very dear friend of mine
- the Decemberists
- Thrice
- me missing my Irish Lit class terribly


That being said, the word 'fuck' or some 'clean' variant will probably appear quite often depending on the mood of the rant, and it is also an ode to the Irish who feel that the English language just doesn't have enough friggin words in it to properly express the emotions and thoughts that there sometimes are in life, and the 'f word' happens to be the closest thing to fill that void. This is said up front to avoid complaints or presumptions that this is just some dirty college kid who isn't intelligent enough to use 'big words'. I will write this very simply, as I would talk in person. To my knowledge there are no 'language guidelines', so hopefully this won't anger anyone too much who accidentally stumbles here by mistake. Otherwise if you're reading this, you are fairly close to me and I might like you to know what's on my mind though I don't have time to go for a walk with you, go out to dinner, send a letter, write a telegram, send Morse code to, etc.

All of that being said, I hope you enjoy some random thoughts on the following. If you don't like it, well, eff off then.